Contemplative Order of the Drunken Masters

HMILF

If you need a hint the H stands for Holy. I don’t need to say more but I am coming up with pictures.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/

So the NFL is busting churches that show the super bowl on screens bigger that 55 inches because it violates copyright law. It is the view of the NFL and the US gov that screens that big can only be used for public events or some such thing.

Really? Seriously? I mean doing that to Fundamentalist asshole organization sounds like a gas; actually sounds like a good way to at least cost those fuckers some money and set precedent for the government cracking the churches over the head for breaking the law. However to do that to a peaceful organization that is only interested in sharing a hobby and brotherhood is kinda dickish.

Now that that’s out of the way it would be kinda funny to roll around to a bunch of these Wal*Mart sized fundamentalist asshole churches and see if they are holding super bowl parties. Either the NFL will succesfully sue a church of assholes of the courts will overturn an assholish copyright law.

I married Chris and Abby. I asked if they wanted to be married. I said words over it and sprayed them with beer. “You are now both wet for each other”. I feel proud. It won’t be official unless they bring me a marriage certificate and we all sign it with in 28 days.

Discordian weddings are fun.

I’ve heard Jews commiserate about Christmas time out shining Hanukkah and being so pervasive that they can’t get away from it. I didn’t really think about it but having just gone through Christmas and not being a christian I think I can understand. There is this sense that they are unknowingly shoving their religion down your throat. I find the fervor with which some  pray disconcerting if not disturbing.  Some seem to include me along with their prayer as in “God, we all hope that you will …” or “Thank you so much for <variable> us”. I find it difficult not to speak up and express myself but I think in some places it might get me lynched.  “Actually I’m not sure God did anything for me regarding that and I’m certain that we brought ourselves together with out any divine aide” might just be recorded as my last words.

It kinda gives me this dead feeling inside like “Oh we’re praying again are we?”. I understand why they do it if it brings them comfort but that level of dependence says something about a person. It’s just creepy.

So apparently the organization from which I received my ordination split from the official church some time back and I’m uncertain if I was ordained before or after.  On the upside I’ve not actually presided over anything in a legal aspect.  On the downside I’m not certain if I’m legally ordained and I have been saying I was.

S’all sorted now.  I’ve reapplied.  The ULC will be sending me something official in a couple days and everything will be the way it should.

No text to this one.  It’s selfexplanatory. Thou the true intellectual will have some problems with it.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”

And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Left and right are subjective. The proof of this is that they are completely different if you turn around. Not just in one plane but in all; up, down, forward and backward are also subjective. Go beyond that to a mental realm with no physical directions. Left wing, right wing, Christian, Atheist, nation, race, species; they are all a form of left and right and they are all subjective.

I am now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church. They authorize me to start my own church if I want to. I hear by declare that the whole world is my church; that all ground is holy or none of it is, that I am not a Discordian and I won’t proclaim Discordian catma whenever and wherever I best deem it, and that I want everyone to be happy. Eat, drink and be merry my friends for its a hell of a way to live.

Hail Eris! Hail Discordia!

“Polytheism is democracy, Monotheism a dictatorship, even in its psudo-secular form”

http://www.monochrom.at/polytheism/